and i think about how brilliant i was (i'm even smarter now). people talk about cringing when they look back on their internet history. there's a lot to cringe about, but that cringe was a necessary sacrifice for certain forms of expression that just weren't possible without it. the arrogance to selflessly sacrifice all dignity in pursuit of some desire, regardless of the scope of that desire (e.g. becoming the greatest football player of a generation or having an especially loud fart within the span of recent memory) is a requisite component of certain forms of achievement; of certain forms of personal progression.

these achievements require a suspension of belief or some other distraction from limiting concepts that work against the realization of achievable goals, whatever they may be. i don't regret being an ass, then or now, because it's fun, and it's an important part of developing the fearlessness of consequences necessary to transgress and extend boundaries.

i think (fondly) about guys like jamerio sometimes. i think about being a bluff in the face of a relentless storm. it's a bit of an inspiration. one fascinating difference i've noticed between jamerio and people who are emotionally charged to bring him down is that jamerio doesn't typically revel in victory with people who act in somewhat good faith or good sport with him. he's arrogant and confident and likes to banter and spar, but he's mostly amicable and fun to argue with.

the people who tend to be negatively emotionally compelled have bully-like qualities. they want to rub jamerio's nose in some imaginary mess they suppose he's left around, and he deserves it. it's a pretty sinister difference. where jamerio or people acting in good faith with jamerio are content to play at barbery, these others bite too hard, and through doing so show their fears; their emotional investment in a subject being challenged in such a way as to make them uncomfortable enough to forget their manners.

i wasn't able to appreciate this quality very much a few years ago. i liked jamerio, he was entertaining, and i respected his intellect and wit, but i didn't quite have the sophistication of mind to appreciate the subtle sort of compelling force he expresses.

i'd take one jamerio for 50 son1dows. he'd dig a ditch faster, and he'd give better advice. the only reason i'd ever take 50 son1dows over 1 jamerio is if i knew somebody was going to shoot 50 bullets at me from head on. i'd take the 50 sond1dows and line them up directly in front of me.

unless somehow jamerio could plead his case, and expressed a preference to live, if even a moment more, to die via his own will. if jamerio asked that of me, in that moment, then i would grant that and give the eulogy for a man too good for this world. but if he didn't want that, i'd empathize, because that's a truly heroic request. i wouldn't hold him to that ideal, but i would definitely be inspired by it were it to occur.

anyway, if that wasn't the case, then i'd opt for the son1dows.