"Obviously this is not heaven, because Janis Joplin isn't giving me a rimjob"

Hahaha, is that a funnyb original, or is it from a comedy sketch or something?

Archer..

Splashbacks are horrible.

My sympathy for you, friend.

How can I prevent this from happening? Any tips?

Put toilet paper before you take a dump, then when you drop a bomb the toilet paper will soften its landing. Your fluffy butt can only thank you for doing that.

Tried this but my fecal matter just always rips right through the toilet paper, creating an even bigger implosion within the surrounding area. Sometimes tiny pieces of the wet toilet paper get sucked within the implosion created from the dump..I'm at a loss here, no idea what to try next.

thats impressive man, maybe you have a special hidden talent you should explore that more.. gl with youre journey..

Flush as you poop, it gets rid of the noise, smell (useful if on someone else's toilet), then put some paper down for the remnants which have less mass.

You have to flush twice, but its an all round more hygienic and better.

Less smell.
No awkward noises cos the flush masks it.

Just time it right or you're fucked ;)

Funny you mention timing cause whenever I try this I always manage to clog the toilet...

do not forget water spawn is at 35sec.

Life is pain, and splashbacks are a pain. Get used to it, is all I can say!

Woe is you, but you'll get through this, I know it!

Flush at the same time ;D

But if its a turbo flusher sometimes the flush splashes up even worse then the turd would have caused.

Don't be afraid of your ass. Be brave.

I think the key to overcoming this is confrontation. Get a bidet. Be a man.

the worst is when my dick hits the bowl or the toilet water when I'm taking a shit

stop taking a poo poo on the kiddy toilet.

OMFG this happens to be every fucking time. Unavoidable if you have a bbc like myself...

If I use public toilet I put 4 lines of tp to make a rectangle all the way around the bowl, and then i hold my dick up while I piss. After that, I rest it on the front of the bowl, covered in tp. Still kind of gross but not as bad as inside the bowl or in the water (shudders).

wot

as a man you're allowed to stand when you pee, but if you insist on sitting at least leave the seat down.

sometimes I have to pee while I'm pooping

they are bum chums, and fuck each other for best mates and live in denile trying not to be gay, wolffffffffmaaaaaaan with a shot of whiskey

What you do is dump some toilet paper in before you drop a payload. Enough for some of it to remain dry and above surface.

What you do in a public toilet, is you take an odd amount of sheets (so the sheets overlap, perforations lining up is what causes fingers to go through paper when wiping, for example), fold the paper over itself at least once for strength, hold it under your ass, release your payload gently onto the paper, and slowly lower the makeshift hammock down as not to make a sound.

hmm ill have to try this tonight. wish me luck broheim

G L H F
L
H
F

May God* be with you.


*Cooller

That is so pathetic. Poop and be proud, I want people to hear.

"You have to know when to be aggressive, and when to not be aggressive" - Cooller

Come on..did he really say that?

He did indeed. It is a reinterpretation of "He who knows when he can fight and when he cannot, will be victorious" by Sun Tzu.

Shitting in the woods is best...no splash and bunnies make great toilet paper.

Make it a very tight and narrowly shaped brownie so that when it hits the water there is basically little splash. Release the fellow with care so it won't hit with an angle but dives straight into the water.

I believe the german term for that is: "Torpedoscheiße"

yes and commonly known as 'faire une flute' in French

throw down some paper before u take a shit..